Maybe yes, maybe not…not anymore..!!

I’m 8. 

I want to be a dancer, like the ones they show on television. I’ve told my best buddies about it. They think dancing is not for boys. Maybe they’re right. Maybe they’ll stop becoming friends with me if I dance. So I won’t. So I don’t, ever.

​I’m 11.

There is a new girl in my Science tuition. She wears spectacles, the round ones. She’s cute. My friends tell me to “man up” and talk to her. I can’t. They laugh.

I’m 14.

We bunked tuition for the first time. I’m afraid my mom will find out about it. My friends said they wanted to smoke. It liberates them, or so they say. I refuse to take a puff, what if Mom smells it on me? As always, they laugh. I laugh along.

I’m 16. 

My best friend takes his first bong shot. I can’t take the smell. I walk out of the room, close the door behind me. I hear their laugh. They’re my friends, they can’t be laughing at me (?)

I’m 17.

I didn’t score well in the test I’ve been preparing for so long now. It’s okay, take a sip, he says. I’m too drowned to say no. So I do, and not just one sip. They don’t laugh anymore.

I’m 18. 

I can gulp down a quarter of a Blender’s Pride alone, oh, and I know all the cheap brands. Sometimes, we puke out of disgust on the new kid who thinks we will stay away from something as amazing as alcohol. We laugh at him. He leaves the room, closes the door behind him. He reminds me a little of myself.

I’m 19.

The only two words that can light up my day are “smoke up”. I know the best places to score stuff from, the best people to trip with. I don’t prepare for tests anymore, my lines are blurred, and so is my vision. Sometimes at night, when I feel restless and can’t sleep, I feel like the parts of my body are laughing at me.

My friends made me the way i am today, but i don’t blame them for everything. I should be the one who should have changed his friends instead of trying to please them and making them think that i am also as strong, as manly, as tough as them. I drank alcohol even though i hated its taste, i smoked even though it burns my chest, i sat outside the park and commented on every girl passing by even though i really felt bad about doing so, just to show them that i am not a pussy.

Really were they my friends? Am i really  the person who i should be? Am i the person who i always wanted to be? Did the 14 year old boy who once refused to take a puff of a cigarette is still alive deep down inside me? Maybe yes, maybe not….not anymore..!!!

P.S.- This is just a post..!!


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