LEAVING IS PAINFUL

You know i realised something today….when i walked out of the door of the school that last time , i never thought it was the end of the best time of my life , the best peoples , the best memories. Everything best came to an end when i stepped outside the gate of that School for one last time.
And the worse part is , i never realised it until 2 years after that day.

And the thing is the worst time is not here yet. The worst is about to come when i will again step out from a very splendid place called college. Yes i know i don’t like college much , but i am gonna miss this once its over. Its just like “you only value it when you lose it” kind of thing. When i look 2 years back from now , that old me was not aware that something special is ending. And that unawareness was the main reason i survived this two years , i realise that right now. But now when i finally got the road cleared out , i am afraid. I am afraid how will i be able to leave this college after two years. It is going to be so much more painful than i can ever imagine. I lost so many things after school , i lost the careless way of living which i loved , i lost the innocence of being a children , i lost the caring heart which loved someone once , i lost too many important persons whom i never thought i would lose. And i am going to go through this all again in two years.

And it makes more harder when you already know what you are going to lose in some time. It makes more harder to let it go. It makes more harder to move on. I am going to feel heartbroken exactly as i did when i left school last time but this time it will be at a much higher level. I know its stupid to mourn about this kind of pity things. Life goes on , everyone graduates , everyone leave their town , everyone lose friends , its not a big deal. Well , it is a big deal. Waking up one day and realising that i don’t have to get up and dress to go to college and bunk classes with my friends just to have a cup of tea with lots of talking and teasing , its just too much to handle. I will miss the everyday spot of the group where we wasted hundreds of hours just sitting and doing nothing.

Leaving the best part of the life is never easy for anyone. Leaving is painful.

So i will try not to shed a tear when i smile at my friends for one last time before saying fuck off to them and never coming back to that college again.

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WHY..?

Yesterday, as I sat alone, this question hit me, a question too big and yet confined in a single word, a question of ‘Why?’ I remember the first day of 6th standard. This new subject was introduced to us and how this new sir introduced us to the subject; he wrote ‘WHY?’ in bold on the blackboard and told us that science answers our questions of ‘Why?’, why do we exist? why we see a rainbow?, why do ice takes up more space than water? and all.

Now, my Why(s)? got a little bigger, a little scarier, but most importantly a little of them were left unanswered. 

But last night, this question of why(s)? crawl up my sheet like never before. They all were about you, yes you. Why,?, Why me?, Why you had to be this way, always holding back truth?  Why did you make me open my doors if you were never intending to step in? I gulp onto water and sigh.

Wide awake at 3 I wondered if your why(s) were same as of mine.

Today, i met him again, my science teacher. I asked him how to get answers of my ‘Why(s)?’. He shushed me, just like old times. He told me that these ‘Why(s)?’ always prevail beneath our skin. They always do. Their answers exist, sometimes they don’t but some of them are best left unanswered.

He reminded me of this old term of chemistry, entropy, he used to explain it to us as ‘Randomness’. He told me in life this entropy keeps on increasing and universe never actually stops expanding, and so does this randomness keeps on increasing but life doesn’t stop. It simply goes on and on and on. You just have to learn that some ‘Why(s)?’ are bigger than other ‘Why(s)?’ After few minutes sir faded away in the crowd, as he vanished, I understood which ‘Why(s)?’ will eventually fade away, which ‘Why(s)?’ I should seek answers for. In that moment, I learned that these questions attached to you, one day, will fade away, like you did.

Everything that happens is not love..

It’s ironical how the person who left us broken is the only one who can make us live again.

It’s ironical how the love which gives us strength is the same thing which leaves us weak.
Love is not the thing which makes us sturdy , it’s the thing which makes us frail. It defies one from his powers. The power to control himself. The power to control his mind . The power to think about himself.It makes one powerless.
Love is not that thing which makes you mightful , it’s the thing which makes you impotent.Nothing is permanent in this world. Nor am I , Nor are you and nor is Love.
And then you come in my mind . That mind which is less mine and more you . The mind which forced me to believe that you too love me . I was happy being a one sided lover. But it compelled me into believing that you too got the same thing for me that I still carry for you .
And now since you are far, I got

something to think beyond you .

I got feelings for you , and I knew I love you.

I thought of you too having feelings for me.

And when I thought ,love was happening between us , you made me realize that feelings too have categories.Hence I learnt a lesson.
Everything that glitters is not gold.

Everything that shines is not sun .

Everything that flows is not water

Everything that flies are not birds.

And in the same way , My dear ,

Everything that happens ….. is not LOVE.

Socializing

I am a ambivert. I don’t normally chat with anyone except my 2 or 3 friends on regular basis. I get random text from my school friends once in a while, and I kind of feel weird in saying this, but I don’t feel like giving reply to any one of those. Its not that I don’t like them or something but what’s the point of talking if there is nothing to talk about. I mean, dude if you need my help or advice or any kind of favor, text me or call me and tell me, I will definitely help you to my best even we have not been in contact for a decade.

Its not about only the people I already knew, its also about those whom I don’t know. I mean it also includes strangers from facebook or instagram. I know its social sites where people meet new people, make friends and all that. But I’m not interested in making new friends right now. Some people may ask then why I am using this social sites. Well I use it to kill my time. Isn’t it the best use of them, to kill time?

I am not some kind of weird introvert nerd who is always hiding behind a screen or a book. I am a hyperactive knucklehead but only if you meet me in person. If you meet me in person then you will know the difference. Once on a college holiday I went out with couple of my college friends you know for some casual snacks and café stuff, on that day one of my friend brought her friend with her. We all hang out for half of the day; it was just a normal thing nothing special. I was just myself the whole time, did nothing special just a regular day behavior. But the next day, my friend came to me at college and said “Shrey, you know what, that friend of mine which came yesterday with me said that you talk too much you are a knucklehead and you are so lively person.”

You don’t believe that, right? Well I didn’t believe it either at first. I mean it fully contradict my personality which I described above. But hey, its 100% true. I didn’t understand this either, I mean its totally two opposite things. A person who is so much outgoing that doesn’t even stop talking for hours when you meet in person, while on the other side barely replies to anyone’s text or hardly talks over the phone. But this is me.

I don’t know if I am the only person who is like this or there are others who are like me. But I think I’m gonna stay the way I am for a little longer.

My Relationship Status

In today’s time , whenever i meet a stranger and have a casual conversation , there alway comes this question in the conversation “so what’s your relationship status?”. 

As for me the answer is very simple. I’m in love with being single.

Technically i am single because i don’t have a girlfriend but that doesn’t mean i am not in love with anyone. Well its not like the typical one sided love kind of thing also.

As every normal teenager, i have thousands of “so called friends”. (so called friends = those persons whom i know by name and have some basic information about them , like where are they from what are they studying and that kind of stuff)

I have a bunch of close friends with whom i hangout on daily basis. I have a decent group of college friends as well as a small group of my school friends with whom i love to spend time with. I don’t mind the place at which we are if we are together there. 

Then comes my best friends. They are very few. And this is my lifeline. I exist because of them. I doesn’t seek the same place in their heart which they hold in mine. I just admire them ,  i love them ,  i depend on them. There are girls who are my best friends which are too close to my heart that people often mistake by considering them my gfs. I really don’t mind what people say or think about it. We know what is between us and we don’t need to clarify it to the world. 

I know i am not the only one having this type of friends. Everyone have this in their life. And its actually good its necessary to have friends which makes your life worth living. 

I am not sad that I don’t have a girlfriend. Also i am not against any kind of relationship. Its good to have a relationship actually. But i am fine without a relationship because i have my lifeline with me. I’m not waiting for someone who will come and love me, I’m waiting for someone who will come and understand me. One can easily find a loving person but a few find a understanding person.

I’m in love with being single because of my lifelines. ❤️

Edge of the white marking against the withered asphalt..

I don’t know how it never occurred to me before, and why I’m only thinking about it now, but has anyone ever noticed the markings on a two way road with spaces. I stood right in the middle of a road, with the curve of my shoe parallel to the end of one marking. Looking down on this long lengthy path travelled daily by thousands to their destinations either happily or by force, it was completely empty. Almost eerie, somewhat nostalgic.
A reminiscent of a time when someone asked to come along on this unpredictable ride of events we call life. Ignorance, fear, rejection told me to go on without and so I went crossing each checkpoint with triumph alone, peaking back only for a fraction of a second, just cause I wanted too or maybe I needed too, I’ll never know. They say the past is done for, the future still unwritten, so focus on the present. But now when I look down at the edge of the white marking against the withered asphalt all I can think of is what I did and what I could’ve done.
In the present moment, I’m thinking about all the times I said no and going on without knowing the true distinction between solo and lonesome. I know now though, I know now. A bit too much late but I figured out.
In the present moment, I’m thinking of how one word, one gesture, one blink could’ve changed the course of not one, not two but many lives and I shiver inside. This Russian roulette of choices held me back then and holds me back now.
All of a sudden a drop falls and splutter against the blackness beneath taking form instantly, but the sky is clear and stars shine bright, so I rub my sleeve against my face take a step back now; when I should’ve many years ago and run…

Maybe yes, maybe not…not anymore..!!

I’m 8. 

I want to be a dancer, like the ones they show on television. I’ve told my best buddies about it. They think dancing is not for boys. Maybe they’re right. Maybe they’ll stop becoming friends with me if I dance. So I won’t. So I don’t, ever.

​I’m 11.

There is a new girl in my Science tuition. She wears spectacles, the round ones. She’s cute. My friends tell me to “man up” and talk to her. I can’t. They laugh.

I’m 14.

We bunked tuition for the first time. I’m afraid my mom will find out about it. My friends said they wanted to smoke. It liberates them, or so they say. I refuse to take a puff, what if Mom smells it on me? As always, they laugh. I laugh along.

I’m 16. 

My best friend takes his first bong shot. I can’t take the smell. I walk out of the room, close the door behind me. I hear their laugh. They’re my friends, they can’t be laughing at me (?)

I’m 17.

I didn’t score well in the test I’ve been preparing for so long now. It’s okay, take a sip, he says. I’m too drowned to say no. So I do, and not just one sip. They don’t laugh anymore.

I’m 18. 

I can gulp down a quarter of a Blender’s Pride alone, oh, and I know all the cheap brands. Sometimes, we puke out of disgust on the new kid who thinks we will stay away from something as amazing as alcohol. We laugh at him. He leaves the room, closes the door behind him. He reminds me a little of myself.

I’m 19.

The only two words that can light up my day are “smoke up”. I know the best places to score stuff from, the best people to trip with. I don’t prepare for tests anymore, my lines are blurred, and so is my vision. Sometimes at night, when I feel restless and can’t sleep, I feel like the parts of my body are laughing at me.

My friends made me the way i am today, but i don’t blame them for everything. I should be the one who should have changed his friends instead of trying to please them and making them think that i am also as strong, as manly, as tough as them. I drank alcohol even though i hated its taste, i smoked even though it burns my chest, i sat outside the park and commented on every girl passing by even though i really felt bad about doing so, just to show them that i am not a pussy.

Really were they my friends? Am i really  the person who i should be? Am i the person who i always wanted to be? Did the 14 year old boy who once refused to take a puff of a cigarette is still alive deep down inside me? Maybe yes, maybe not….not anymore..!!!

P.S.- This is just a post..!!